As I have become more dedicated to this blog, I have noticed that I still stop myself from sharing my story. Sometimes I will start a post, only to give up on it halfway through and switch to a different topic.
The truth is that I am still afraid of being judged.
I try to be as open as I can when talking about my mental health, but that doesn’t prevent me from feeling scared about sharing my thoughts, feelings, and little quirks that I have. The only reason I even started this blog was to talk about mental health in a way that allowed me to be anonymous from the rest of the world. My friends and family have many of the same social media outlets that I do, so it makes it hard to provide me with an outlet to share everything I am feeling because I don’t always want them to know that I am having a crap day and I don’t want to have to explain my feelings to them because though some of them have depression, had depressive episodes in the past or know someone with some sort of mental illness, I don’t want to be compared to others. I want them to listen to what I have to say and respect the fact that there are a lot of days where my depression gets the best of me.
My depression and anxiety have run my life for so long that it can be hard to remember the last time I felt genuinely happy. I feel like I don’t even know who I am half the time. I can tell you the basics, I know my thoughts and feelings and stuff like that, but as an individual, I feel lost. Sometimes I catch sight of myself, the real me, but they are often short and fleeting. It seems that just as I start to find myself, I get lost all over again.
I hope that as I continue to work on this blog that I end up being able to open myself up, share my life uncensored, and find who I really am. Not only for me, but for everyone who has ever felt lost, depressed, anxious, or too afraid to tell the world how they really feel.