I was quite young when I got my diagnoses. I was only 11 1/2 years old and had just started 6th grade. While I am no longer the little girl I was back then, I have always considered myself “mentally younger”. What I mean by this is that I have not changed as much as my peers had. While I can compose myself well to act my age, I do not always act my age. It is more noticeable when I am depressed or anxious, when I revert to wanting to watch Disney movies back to back and reread fairy-tales.
As I have gotten older, I have begun to learn my own limits better. When it seemed like all my classmates were dating, I knew I was not ready for a relationship. School was my priority while my classmates started to go to parties and act older than they are. While my friends want to go out drinking on weekends, I would rather stay home with a good book. If someone wants to hang out, there is a 50/50 chance that I will say yes. When people are over, I enjoy their company, but after a few hours I start wishing they will leave.
I am quiet and anxious and depressed and afraid of being judged for who I really am. I try to be more outgoing and carefree and happy, but I can only keep it up for so long. Some days this is easier to manage than others, but everybody had days like that, even the happiest person you know could be secretly struggling with depression or some other mental illness.
As of right now, I am content with who I am. I feel that I am finally starting to take on more adult responsibilities and I feel like I am finally beginning to find my niche. I try not to make my mom cover any costs for my cat and I will occasionally buy my own clothes despite not having an income. My mom is still my best friend, the one I tell everything to because making friends has always been hard for me. To be honest, I am a lot like my mom and that makes me happy because she is such a strong woman and an amazing role model. She respects that I have this blog to voice my opinions and for that I am grateful. I am lucky that I have always had her there for not many college students do and it made the adjustment to college easier knowing that every night I can go home and have her there.
While I may not have had the typical “college experience” thus far, I wouldn’t change it for the world.
Then again, I am not a typical girl. If these differences are part of my mental illnesses or my personality or even a combination of the two, I wouldn’t change who I am for anyone. I have friends, albeit few, but its quality over quantity and the few I have are awesome. I have an amazing mom and a dad who tries his best while he struggles with mental illnesses of his own. I am quirky and lazy and would rather stay home with a book than go out and waste money that I don’t even have. I have my priorities straight, most of the time. My cat is a jerk, but I love her and she loves that I feed her and clean her litter box, who knows she might even love me back. I am very much introverted, but can be outgoing if I want to. I watch Disney movies, read fairy-tales, and wish on stars. I know that life is hard, but as long as I keep working hard and trying my best, I will make it out on my feet. And that is all I can ask for.