So this week, my mom (A.K.A. the biggest supporter of my mental health and the only one I can freely talk to about it) has to go on a work trip. She will actually be leaving while I am asleep tonight and it is making me really upset. Not exactly because I don’t want her to go, but more because I don’t want to be left alone with my dad and my sister. The reason I don’t want to be left with them is because all they do is fight. They are almost exactly the same, two extremely touchy, judgmental, stubborn individuals who hate anyone who points out any of their flaws. This means, all they do is point out each others flaws and talk bad about one another. And it makes my heart hurt because I always get caught in the middle, trying to diffuse their tempers before they make me completely and utterly miserable. It doesn’t usually work. Just the way my dad talks about stuff makes my sister pissy and defensive, and hearing her complain about him all the time makes me really upset because while my dad says things he probably shouldn’t I can usually brush it off, I’m trying to protect myself after all, but she holds onto it and lets it fester and lets it make her all ugly on the inside with hatred. I am so terrified of being left alone with them that I am causing myself to get all anxious and emotional and it’s not helping me in any way because I should be reading an assignment before I go to one of my lectures tomorrow, but instead I am sitting on my bed, crying.
It is the first week of winter quarter, and so far I am looking forward to my classes. It seems I will have a lot of papers to write this quarter, but I am sure I can manage. I wish my mom would be here though (she will come home Saturday night) because she helps me manage my stress a lot better. Winter break was hard for me because I was bored a lot and my brain likes to wander to things I don’t like to think about. I feel that my stress response to my mom leaving is going to be worse tonight than while she is actually gone, but I can’t seem to get it under control right now and it sucks.
I have been thinking about going to some sort of therapy, but the therapist that my insurance will cover is about an hour away, and I don’t drive yet, and I have classes everyday. I might go to therapy through my college, cause they have free counseling, but I am a bit scared to do that too.
Overall, the best thing to happen today, while terrifying, is that I submitted my graduate school application. I hope I get into the program.