A Hard Few Days

I have been having a hard time dealing with my mental health this week.

For me, it manifests in thoughts of hurting myself (I don’t act on them), that I am worthless (I’m not!), and the thought “I could commit suicide” (*sighs*). It scares me a little lot when I get in these funks and they last for a few days. They are harder to deal with when I am alone or when I am bored. They also get a lot worse when I am tired or stressed and this week I have been both. Not only am I trying to keep up with the quarter system and all my assignments this week, but I am also sleeping on a rock hard futon until my new mattress comes in (supposedly it’s coming Monday), which means I am not sleeping well and feel more tired during the day.

I have had moments where I feel okay, I feel neutral or even a little happy, but then the depression comes surging back and it makes those happy moments fade to the background. Some things that help me are really good music, taking showers, and sometimes going on walks. Being around other people usually helps, but sometimes I feel like I am just faking it.

I am writing this because I wanted you guys to see that even though I am doing better and I am coping and learning about my mental illness, I still have bad days, sometimes several bad days in a row. This is the second “mini” depressive episode for me (anywhere from like 1-4 days before reverting back to neutral) this year and I just hope that I continue to learn from these experiences.

This weekend is a mental health conference hosted by my school and I am going to go tomorrow for sure because I think it might help me. Still not sure if I wanna go to Sunday’s part too or if I want to stay home.

I am still learning how to do all this. I AM STILL LEARNING!

Sometimes I need a little extra support. I have thought about reaching out to a therapist, but through my health care the nearest location is over an hour away. I can always get a therapist through my school too. It is a possibility I am open to, but I am still on the border because while I am doing okay I feel that I don’t need one, but then when I am having a low I kinda wish I had that extra support there.

Anyways, I hope the next few days help to lift me out of this “episode” and allow me to enjoy the mental health conference and the little things.

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