Starting All Over Again

CW: Suicidal ideation

So going to the mental health conference on Saturday did not go well for me. While I was there something triggered me and I started having terrible thoughts of self harm. I went home early, around 3, and around 7 I asked my mom to bring me to the ER. I was doing really really bad. They assessed me and because I live at home, they released me with a safety plan. They gave me Xanax to help with the anxiety until I could see my doctor today. My doctor and I decided for me to go back on my Lexapro, which I stopped taking because I thought it had stopped working, but I now realize that it was likely just panic attacks from the vacation we were on. We are starting out slow, looking for a psychiatrist, and trying to keep me safe in the time being. Today I had a really bad anxiety/depressive attack, but with my parents and help of the Crisis Text Line (741741 ‘Start’) I have been able to manage pretty well. I didn’t go to school today, but plan on going back tomorrow. Thinking about going back is making me anxious, but I know that it is best for me to stick to my routine and not let the demons take hold of me. The thoughts are really hard to overpower, but when my anxiety is not too high, I seem to manage pretty well. Pretty much, whatever my brain tells me, I have to tell it the opposite. It is pretty funny when I am really in control because my brain is like “I wanna die” and I just went “I’m gonna be okay!” without even really thinking about it and it made me laugh, so I took that as a good sign. I am strong, I have been fighting these demons for a long time and just because they are stronger right now does not mean that they are gonna win. They don’t know just how much fight I have in me!

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