It has been two weeks since I had my mom bring me to the ER with terrible thoughts of self harm.
Today is day 13 of antidepressants.
Here is a breakdown of how things have gone:
1/20 – Went to the ER with thoughts of self harm. Left with Xanax prescription.
1/21- Xanax to help with anxiety. Wanted to die. Vivid thoughts of self harm, but not intentions to act on it. Texted the Text Crisis Line a few times.
1/22- Went to primary care doctor. Got prescribed Lexapro. Started on Lexapro 5 mg. Went to 0/2 classes. Went to internship, but returned and had a breakdown. Mom had to leave work to be with me.
1/23- Lexapro 10mg because that was the amount I was taking when I stopped taking Lexapro in Summer 2016. Went to 1/3 classes. Don’t want to be left alone. Text Crisis line tends to help with the panic attacks. Xanax makes me tired and foggy.
1/24- Went to 2/2 classes. Sister had to stay on campus with me, but I go into my classes on my own. Still having thoughts of self harm.
1/25- Went to 3/3 classes. Thoughts of jumping off multi-level building I have most of my classes in, these thoughts cause great distress. Last day I texted the Text Crisis Line.
1/26- Couldn’t go to internship or my club. Went to 1/1 classes and office hours to see slides missed on 1/22. Can’t watch normal TV because afraid of being triggered. Thoughts of self harm become less frequent. Brain now tells me, “I want to die.” all day long. Not fun, but different.
1/27- Went to see my cousin and his girlfriend. Love them! Being in a space that was not secured (all sharp objects and drugs are locked up or hidden at home) was hard, but I made it through.
1/28- Stayed home and caught up on reading (only to fall behind again). Trying to make it through, but having a hard time.
1/29- Had a midterm today (got 88.24% on it, I wish I got a 90, but mom says an 88.24 is awesome with how hard I’ve been fighting. Went to 2/2 classes and internship today.
1/30- Went to 3/3 classes today. Dad picked me up during a gap so I wouldn’t be alone, he stayed nearby while I was in class. Long night because lots of papers. Last time I took a Xanax, and only a quarter of a tab at that.
1/31- Went to 2/2 classes. Still had my sister stay on campus with me. Another long night because more assignments due. My mantra is: I wanna live. I need to live. Still having hard days and wanting to sleep, always tired. Lots of migraines and headaches.
2/1- Went to 3/3 classes. My brain started singing “I don’t even wanna die anymore” from 1-800-273-8255 by Logic. I take this as a good sign because 1) I haven’t had songs stuck in my head since all this began, and 2) My brain is saying I don’t wanna die. I am starting to have better days, but when I am stressed it still starts the bad thoughts. Still having trouble thinking of long term things, my brain likes to accompany these thoughts with “if you live that long” and I’m like “f*** that, I’m gonna live to see that (event/holiday/whatever) in like 80 years”.
2/2- Went to internship, but not my club, and 1/1 classes. Still sensitive to seeing sharp objects. Smiling more and singing along to the radio often. Wore real pants for the first time since everything started. Went to the dog park and gave scratchies to a cutie named Maggie. Went to an a Capella show, thought “see if you had hurt/killed yourself you would have missed this” and brain started the “I want to die again”. When I got home, watched The Intern until I got too tired to keep my eyes open.
2/3- Ran errands with mom, sister, and puppy. Don’t want to do anything today. Really tired and just want to sleep. Otherwise generally okay. Getting nervous about the busy week ahead. Trying to take things one step at a time. Got a bunch of skeeter (mosquito) bites at the dog park last night, so really itchy. Otherwise, doing decently if I didn’t feel so tired and unmotivated. Thoughts still get worse when stressed or when I see sharp objects.
Life seems to have been bringing people from my past back into my life to remind me that I am important and cared about. A friend from elementary school, a friend from high school, an aide from a class I interned in two years ago. Good opportunities have also come my way, more about that in another post though. Let’s just say that things are looking up and looking good right now.