So I know that I have not been active on my blog in a while. That is because I was not in a good place mentally and was trying to work through a lot of stuff.
I have seen a psychiatrist, who did all the evaluations and feels that I had been misdiagnosed when I was younger. She could tell that my anxiety diagnosis was correct, but that depression was not. She felt my symptoms were more in line with OCD and upon reading up on OCD, I have to agree. She started me on an antidepressant and after adjusting the dose I seem to have not completely terrible days. I still have a lot of anxiety and worries, and intrusive thoughts that are likely linked to the anxiety, but some days are not that bad. I may have to make further dosage adjustments, but only time will tell.
I have also started going to a psychotherapist. He thinks part of my stress is caused by feeling like I am not independent enough. So I have started a bullet journal to track all the things that I do on my own, I make some decisions for myself (like if I wanna hang out with a friend or be alone), I pay for everything for my cat and some of my own purchases. These are just little steps to independence because I am not yet financially independent and cannot afford to live on my own. Something I have to work on is not letting the drama and miscommunications between members of my immediate family (the ones that do not involve me) get to me so badly. I have known for a while that I have this fantasy about a “perfect family”, but I also know that realistically, no family is that family. My therapist agrees that it has to be hard for me to witness these arguments and have that perfect family mentality. I have to understand that I cannot change my family members, I cannot be their hero (especially if they refuse to change), that this does not involve me, and that I can remove myself from the situation.
On a brighter note, I have started my last quarter of my undergraduate degree! I will be graduating in June. I am still interning in the 5th grade class that I have been in since August. I understand that teaching can be a hard profession, but I love working with the kids, even though they are starting to get sassy. (I am allowed to call them out on it and tell them to cut it out). I have gone to an assembly, open house, and a few parent-teacher conferences, which I felt were all great learning experiences for me. They begin their CAASPP testing on Monday and I will be there to support them as I can.
I also got into the teaching credential program I wanted! I am one out of the ~100 people who received acceptance letters, and the 80 or so who will actually compose my cohort for the program. I will start this program in August and am excited to get to meet other individuals who love children and have a passion for education.
I just turned 22! I feel that this is a really big thing because in January it was hard for me to see a month into the future and I was just in a really terrible place. Sometimes thinking back on those thoughts makes me feel sad and it gets a little difficult to cope with the fact that I was in such a stressed state and that the thoughts felt so powerful. Well you know what, I have not injured myself in any way, I am slowly feeling more comfortable and confident being alone and being around some of the things I thought I would hurt myself with, I am hanging out with my best friend (who will be in the credential program for a different focus area), and I am starting to understand that even though I have no idea where I might get a job after getting my credential, everything has seemed to work out in the past, and will likely work out in the future. I just have to keep feeding my faith and hope and realize that the little things are just that, little things. I have a choice of what moments get to define my life and what moments don’t.
Hopefully I can get back to writing here at least semi-regularly, but I just wanted you guys to know that as of right now I am okay and things are going decently. I am still learning when it is okay to be anxious or upset about something and that it gets a little harder to deal when I am tired and that I cannot take 2 hour naps everyday (the medication makes me a little sleepy), but I am also seeing the small improvements. And they make me so much happier.
Also, I started to draw again. This is a really big deal for me because I used to draw a lot in high school, and it kinda stopped when I started college. About a week ago I just decided to go to my room and sit down and draw. I spent two hours on a colored pencil drawing and I am really happy with it. I also drew something over the next two days, and I got more art supplies for my birthday, so I hope that drawing and art will become a healthy way for me to deal with whatever I have going on at the time.