I started taking antidepressants pretty young. I was going through puberty and just starting to figure out things like sexuality. Once the antidepressants were in my system, everything started to slow. I was physically a woman (technically), with everything that entails (fun stuff ), but mentally, pretty much everything came to a halt. I no longer noticed crushes on my classmates, or wondered if all these feelings were normal. I didn’t realize that it has stopped because I was more worried about the medications I had to take because “I’m crazy”.
After being on medications for a while, I would notice every now and then cute classmates, but between my social anxiety and the medications, it never surmounted to anything more than unspoken crushes. While my classmates went through relationships, I thought little of them. I was hyper-focused on school, reading in my free time, and eventually, social media. (Thanks a lot Vyvanse. You helped immensely with my “ADD” that I probably didn’t actually have and contributed to my social ineptness.)
Eventually, I got of the Vyvanse, but remained on a cocktail of antidepressants and other medications that were supposedly helping the antidepressants work better. Now I could either focus or not (still the case today, once I get started I usually focus pretty well until I get distracted by something I feel is really important like writing these blog posts). I could notice cute classmates once again, but still could not talk to them unless I had to (also, my major is primarily girls and they all have their little cliques that they sit with in class. I am still a loner.)
I got myself down to just Lexapro, my antidepressant since diagnosis, for a while my sophomore year of college, but still no idea about my sexuality or anything, it was basically nonexistent. Eventually the Lexapro stopped working for me and I tried two other antidepressants before going medication free in May 2017.
Even after going medication free, my brain had little concept of sexuality or sexual attraction. I was having a tough time, and because depression can lower sex drive and the likes, I still felt no changes. I still had no idea who I am as a sexual being. I guess my sexuality is starting to develop again, because I am starting to see changes in the way my brain is thinking about others and the future and whatnot. It is only now that I have been able to think that I could be ready for a romantic partner, to find someone to love and work with to make a relationship with, and hopefully one day have kids with. The thing is, I find all these changes very confusing because my brain is going through the “is this normal?”, and “what the heck is going on?” thoughts for everything now, which is something I feel most people have been through either at younger ages or have some idea about by now. It’s like my brain is going through puberty again, but as an adult, because it didn’t have the chance to do all this stuff when I was younger.
As of right now, I am just starting to come to terms with the idea that this is all normal and trying to let my brain do its figuring out without getting frustrated, and I hope to get a better idea of who I am as a whole in the coming year.